A Family's Heartbreak: A Parent's Introduction To Parental Alienation

by Rick Ortiz

Editor, DadsDivorce.com

The very nature of the form of abuse called Parental Alienation is one that has the power to turn every aspect of the lives it touches seemingly upside-down. Powered by subtle and not so subtle, conscious and unconscious implementation of mind-control and brainwashing, the alienating parent systematically turns a child against the "target" parent.

In their book A Family's Heartbreak: A Parent's Introduction to Parental Alienation, Michael Jeffries and Dr. Joel Davies present for alienated parents a case study that offers several perspectives on this upside-down world that the entire, fractured family begins inhabiting at the onset of this form of abuse.



Jeffries and Davies began their work together when Jeffries enlisted the psychologist's help in dealing with his own family issues following his divorce. In A Family's Heartbreak, Jeffries, a journalist by trade, has crafted a resource that reads with all of the real suspense that naturally goes along with the mounting tension of an alienator's gradual overtaking of their child's mind in an effort to use the child as a weapon against the other parent.

One of the difficulties with describing or discussing or writing about parental alienation is the seemingly knee-jerk dismissals of the condition as nothing more than a misogynistic attack on women. Though all experts on the behavior agree that both men and women can exhibit alienating behavior. Jeffries deals with the problem of gender pronouns in the book's introduction, explaining that in his case the alienator was a woman, but making clear that this is not true in all cases. "I sincerely apologize to all alienated Moms if I make it appear that only Dads are victims of parental alienation," Jeffries writes. "I tried not to confuse [the reader] by using one set of pronouns to tell my family's story and another set of pronouns for generic references."

The book itself is constructed of several storytelling elements that keep things fresh. Narrative sections tell the story of the divorce and the subsequent escalation of abuse delivered via the words and actions of Jeffries youngest son who bore the weight of the abuse and, as children will, played the role of "caretaker" for the emotionally crippled abusive parent. Dialogues similar to scripts allow Jeffries and Davies to "explain" the background and motives for this form of abuse to the reader as Jeffries asks the real questions that a target parent is puzzling over: "Why is my child acting this way? Do they really hate me? Why is my ex doing this? What will happen? What should I do?" The third story-telling element used by Jeffries is the open journals and letters to Adam (the child in the middle) where a target parent tries to make sense of what is happening all around him, and writes down the things that he wishes he could say to his child, but which would surely be spat back in his face if he dared try voice them.

The story will resound in a particularly comforting and familiar way to a targeted parent as Jeffries describes the warning signs that he unwittingly dismissed during the marriage, but which resurfaced after his announcement that he was filing for divorce. Also explored are the particulars of increasingly dysfunctional relations within the fractured family, and the desperation of a parent powerless to intercede and stop the abuse.

Through its use of client/professional dialogues, A Family's Hearbreak offers not only a case study, but professional insight into the psychology that leads a parent to cling unfairly to a child to supply their emotional stability at great peril to the child's own developing personality.

One of the most difficult challenges facing the targeted parent is the difficulty in relying upon professionals such as psychologists, counselors, attorneys, guardians ad litem, and judges who truly do not understand PAS and who have not dedicated any serious studied to it. In a DadsDivorce inverview with Jeffries he admits that he was lucky to find a psychologist who truly understood the dynamics of PAS.

Jeffries handles the difficult subject with a mastery that comes from not only his personal experience but also his professional understanding of how to make the incomprehensible as clear as it can be. Suggest this book to a friend who doesn't know where to go for help.

For more information about this book, go to: http://www.afamilysheartbreak.com


Rick Ortiz is the editor of DadsDivorce.com

Risk of Suicidality in Children Treated w Strattera (Dec 05)

FDA recently alerted health care providers that treatment of children and adolescents with Strattera increases the risk of suicidal thinking. Strattera (atomoxetine) is approved to treat ADHD in patients 6 years and older.

The increased risk of suicidal thinking was identified in a combined analysis of 12 placebo-controlled trials lasting six to eighteen weeks. This analysis showed that 0.4% of children treated with Strattera reported suicidal thinking compared to no reports in children treated with placebo. A similar analysis in adults treated with Straterra for either ADHD or major depressive disorder found no increased risk of suicidality with use of the drug.

A new boxed warning will point out that children who are started on Strattera therapy should be observed closely for suicidal thinking or behaviors, clinical worsening, or unusual changes in behavior. This is especially important during the initial months of therapy or when the dose is changed.

Families should contact their child's doctor if they observe any of these signs.
Eli Lilly, the drug's manufacturer, will also be developing a Patient Medication Guide to provide this information directly to patients and their caregivers.

Warning on Liver Injury from Strattera

This is from 2005, and REGULAR blood tests should be given to patients on Strattera to make sure the drug is not damaging ther patient.

FDA is advising health professionals about a new warning for the drug Strattera, used to treat attention deficit hyperactivity disorder in adults and children.

The drug's labeling is being updated with a bolded warning about the potential for severe liver injury in patients taking Strattera. The label warns that severe liver injury can progress to liver failure in a small percentage of patients. It cautions clinicians to discontinue the drug in patients who develop jaundice or laboratory evidence of liver injury. It also notes that the actual number of cases of severe liver injury from the drug is not known because of under-reporting.

Strattera's manufacturer, Eli Lilly, has agreed to send a letter to physicians, alerting them to the new information. The company will also update the patient package insert to include information about the signs and symptoms of liver problems.

If you learn of unexpected adverse events with Strattera, including liver damage, please report them, either directly to Eli Lilly, or to FDA's MedWatch program.

Dangers of ADHD Drugs

Patients with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder(ADHD) who are taking stimulant drugs such as Adderall (amphetamine-dextroamphetamine), Ritalin (methylphenidate) and Strattera (atomoxetine hydrochloride) will soon be given a Patient Medication Guide each time the prescription is filled.

The medication guide will warn that there have been reports of sudden death in children and adolescents with pre-existing structural cardiac abnormalities or other serious heart problems who were taking stimulant drugs to treat their ADHD. Sudden death, stroke and MI have also been reported in adults with underlying risk factors for these events who took ADHD drugs.

The causative role of the stimulants is not clear because pre-existing heart problems themselves carry an increased risk of sudden death. Nevertheless, patients with known serious cardiac problems should generally not use stimulant drugs.

The medication guide will also warn about a slight increased risk for drug-related psychiatric adverse events, such as hearing voices, paranoia or mania, even in patients who did not have previous psychiatric problems.

FDA recommends that patients who may be treated with these drugs work with their health care provider to develop a treatment plan that includes a careful health and family history, and an evaluation of current health status, especially for cardiovascular and psychiatric conditions. Patients should contact a doctor promptly if symptoms develop that are suggestive of heart disease, or of new or worsening psychiatric problems.

ADHD Drugs:

• Adderall (mixed salts of a single entity amphetamine product) Tablets
• Adderall XR (mixed salts of a single entity amphetamine product)
• Concerta (methylphenidate hydrochloride) Extended-Release Tablets
• Daytrana (methylphenidate) Transdermal System
• Desoxyn (methamphetamine HCl) Tablets
• Dexedrine (dextroamphetamine sulfate) Spansule Capsules and Tablets
• Focalin (dexmethylphenidate hydrochloride) Tablets
• Focalin XR (dexmethylphenidate hydrochloride)
• Metadate CD(methylphenidate hydrochloride)
• Methylin (methylphenidate hydrochloride) Oral Solution
• Methylin (methylphenidate hydrochloride) Chewable Tablets
• Ritalin (methylphenidate hydrochloride) Tablets
• Ritalin SR (methylphenidate hydrochloride) Sustained-Release Tablets
• Ritalin LA (methylphenidate hydrochloride) Extended-Release Capsules
• Strattera (atomoxetine HCl) Capsules

The ADHD Fraud

Dr. Fred Baughman discusses how ADD and ADHD are subjective diseases and have no scientific evidence to prove a child has ADD or ADHD.

Biography:
Fred A. Baughman Jr., MD has been an adult & child neurologist, in private practice, for 35 years. Making "disease" (real diseases--epilepsy, brain tumor, multiple sclerosis, etc.) or "no disease" (emotional, psychological, psychiatric) diagnoses daily, he has discovered and described real, bona fide diseases.
It is this particular medical and scientific background that has led him to view the "epidemic" of one particular "disease"--Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)--with increasing alarm. Dr. Baughman describes this himself. Referring to psychiatry, he says:
"They made a list of the most common symptoms of emotional discomfiture of children; those which bother teachers and parents most, and in a stroke that could not be more devoid of science or Hippocratic motive--termed them a 'disease.' Twenty five years of research, not deserving of the term 'research.,' has failed to validate ADD/ADHD as a disease. Tragically--the "epidemic" having grown from 500 thousand in 1985 to between 5 and 7 million today--this remains the state of the 'science' of ADHD."
In addition to scientific articles that have appeared in leading national and international medical journals, Dr. Baughman has testified for victimized parents and children in ADHD/Ritalin legal cases, writes for the print media and appears on talk radio shows, always making the point that ADHD is fraudulent--a creation of the psychiatric-pharmaceutical cartel, without which they would have nothing to prescribe their dangerous, addictive, Schedule II, stimulants for--namely, Ritalin (methylphenindate), Dexedrine (dextro-amphetamine), Adderall (mixed dextro- and levo-amphetamine) and, Gradumet, and Desoxyn (both of which are methamphetamine, 'speed,' 'ice').
The entire country, including all 5-7 million with the ADHD diagnosis today, have been deceived and victimized; deprived of their informed consent rights and drugged--for profit! It must be stopped. Now!







Click on the links to listen to rest of the series.

Adjusting

If you have not done so, please click on the link in the post below and read some of the stories. Even after all this time, and I know I have said this before, but I will say it again, every time I hear these stories it makes my blood boil, and I still find myself being shocked.
When are alienators going to understand that the things they are doing are harmful to their children? I still do understand why some people choose to do the things they do, it is mostly out of love, but what is loving in teaching a child to hate the other parent? Call it love, call it selfishness, either way, there is no excuse for destroying your own child, pure and simple it is CHILD ABUSE.
The other day my husband decided to bring home a puppy. Mind you I already have one dog; he is my longtime companion shih-Tzu. He was a rescue baby, the human people in his life before coming to live with us kicked him, broke his back and a couple of ribs. They put him outside in the rain and mud, and fed him cat food. When he was found, his hair was matted to his skin and it took weeks to get him back to good health. When he first came to live with us, he was scared of us, because humans had done him so wrong. He would go under the bed or a table and sit under it hoping to go UN noticed. He trusted no one, and really who could have blamed him for the abuse that he suffered for so long. We gave him love, care and let him know that he was safe. It took some time for him to come to trust us but all these years later he could not be a happier little guy.
Back to the new puppy, it was almost like we had forgotten all the work we did to ensure a new puppy that things were going to be OK where it is now. So this little girl, who is a Heinz 57, but a really cute little mix puppy, comes into our home on Sunday. At first our older dog was not sure about the new addition, and I admit, I was a little unsure about the decision as well. But a few days later I am starting to understand and see things that had been put to the back of my mind. You see, we tend to go with what is comfortable; change is hard on us all but sometimes change is for the best.
Had we not accepted the puppy into our family, who knows where she would end up, in fact if her siblings do not find homes this week they will be in a shelter where their chances of living a long life are nil. So taking the little girl out of a bad situation for her was a good thing. But she had to adjust as well. The first couple of nights were pretty rough. First she had to learn about her new home, and our older dog had to learn to share his space, love and attention.
Even though some of us struggle with not having our kids with us, and sometimes are kids have been programmed to hate, talk back, and act out, they can adjust and change. All they need is some love, attention, and a positive role model. Yes it will take time, take some counseling, and patients on our part as adults, but it can be done.
Be persistent with your goals to prove that your children are being programmed, programming is abuse. And when you get them home, and I know a lot of you will, treat them with love like you would when you bring a new puppy home. It takes adjusting on all parties parts, but things can and will change.

Success Stories in Overcoming Severe Alienation

I found this page, and wanted to share it with you, my readers. It gives home and inspiration to those of us who are fighting with our lives just to be a part of our childrens lives, yet are being blocked out by alienators.

Read all of the stories, one of them involves a grandmother who took over... The sad reality is, that is happening more and more. Alienation is not just limited to parent - parent, grandparents are taking over our kids and alienating them too, when they do that, they are not only abusing the children, they are abusing the chidren they raised as well by manipulating their children.

Parental Alienation (P.A.) is becoming recognized by society as a form of abuse.

Parental Alienation (P.A.) is becoming recognized by society as a form of abuse.

P.A. involves the mental manipulation of children and special-needs adults, which can result in the destruction of a long and warm relationship once shared with a parent. P.A. is a behavior typically undertaken by a parent or trusted adult(s) and is most prevalent in a divorce or separation. It deprives children and special-needs adults of their right to be loved by and show love for both of their parents and makes them feel they must choose between the people they love.
Chronological age is not the determinant in abuse, as a special-needs adult may have the mental age of a child. P.A. is emotional and mental abuse.

If more people knew about how P.A. works, and how damaging these behaviors are to children and adults, then more help would be available to these victims. Much of the public as well as many professionals are unaware of the problem and the harm it causes.

To learn more about this behavior, visit paawareness.org.

Sue Dutkovic Shumar

Johnstown

Toxic personalities

1. Manipulative Mary: These individuals are experts at manipulation tactics. Is a matter of fact, you may not even realize you have been manipulated until it is too late. These individuals figure out what your 'buttons' are, and push them to get what they want.

Why they are toxic: These people have a way of eating away at your belief system and self-esteem. They find ways to make you do things that you don't necessarily want to do and before you know it, you lose your sense of identity, your personal priorities and your ability to see the reality of the situation. The world all of a sudden becomes centered around their needs and their priorities.

2. Narcissistic Nancy: These people have an extreme sense of self-importance and believe that the world revolves around them. They are often not as sly as the Manipulative Marys of the world, but instead, tend to be a bit overt about getting their needs met. You often want to say to them "It isn't always about you."

Why they are toxic: They are solely focused on their needs, leaving your needs in the dust. You are left disappointed and unfulfilled. Further, they zap your energy by getting you to focus so much on them, that you have nothing left for yourself.

3. Debbie Downers: These people can't appreciate the positive in life. If you tell them that it is a beautiful day, they will tell you about the impending dreary forecast. If you tell them you aced a mid-term, they'll tell you about how difficult the final is going to be.

Why they are toxic: They take the joy out of everything. Your rosy outlook on life continues to get squashed with negativity. Before you know it, their negativity consumes you and you start looking at things with gray colored glasses yourself.

4. Judgmental Jims: When you see things as cute and quirky, they see things as strange and unattractive. If you find people's unique perspectives refreshing, they find them 'wrong'. If you like someone's eclectic taste, they find it 'disturbing' or 'bad'.

Why they are toxic: Judgmental people are much like Debbie Downers. In a world where freedom rings, judgment is sooo over. If the world was a homogeneous place, life would be pretty boring. Spending a lot of time with these types can inadvertently convert you into a judgmental person as well.

5. Dream Killing Keiths: Every time you have an idea, these people tell you why you can't do it. As you achieve, they try to pull you down. As you dream, they are the first to tell you it is impossible.

Why they are toxic: These people are stuck in what is instead of what could be. Further, these individuals eat away at your self-esteem and your belief in yourself. Progress and change can only occur from doing new things and innovating, dreaming the impossible and reaching for the stars.

6. Insincere Illissas: You never quite feel that these people are being sincere. You tell a funny story, they give you a polite laugh. You feel depressed and sad and they give you a 'there, there' type response. You tell them you are excited about something and you get a very ho-hum response.

Why they are toxic: People who aren't sincere or genuine build relationships on superficial criteria. This breeds shallow, meaningless relationships. When you are really in need of a friend, they won't be there. When you really need constructive criticism, they would rather tell you that you are great the way you are. When you need support, they would rather see you fail or make a fool of yourself.

7. Disrespectful Dannys: These people will say or do things at the most inappropriate times and in the most inappropriate ways. In essence, they are more subtle, grown up bullies. Maybe this person is a friend who you confided in and uses your secret against you. Maybe it is a family member who puts their busy-body nose into your affairs when it is none of their business. Or maybe, it is a colleague who says demeaning things to you.

Why they are toxic: These people have no sense of boundaries and don't respect your feelings or, for that matter, your privacy. These people will cause you to feel frustrated and disrespected.

8. Never Enough Nellies: You can never give enough to these people to make them happy. They take you for granted and have unrealistic expectations of you. They find ways to continually fault you and never take responsibility for anything themselves.

Why they are toxic: You will spend so much time trying to please them, that you will end up losing yourself in the process. They will require all of your time and energy, leaving you worn out and your own needs sacrificed.

All of these personalities have several things in common.
1) the more these people get away with their behavior, the more they will continue. 2) Unfortunately, most of these people don't see that what they do is wrong and as a result, talking to them about it will fall on deaf ears, leaving you wondering if you are the crazy one.
3) Most of these people get worse with age, making their impact on you stronger with time.

Frankly, life is too short to spend your time dealing with toxicity. If you can, avoid spending mucho time with people who are indicative of these behaviors and you'll feel a lot happier. Have you encountered these personalities? What have you done? Any personalities you would add?




If you can, do get and read a book called getting rid of your PDI,

http://www.amazon. com/Goodbye- Your-Personality -Disordered- Individuals/ dp/0757306152

it has a rather interesting conclusion and worth the 15 bucks of personal relief that it gives in understanding and dealing with something that is unavoidable. Family courts do not solve these problems with people, they exarcebate them by forcing people to interact with them. Also a recommended book by Steven Baskerville, ( a little heavy reading) called Taken into custody. These should provide groundwork for trying to understand the situation many find themselves in. With no solutions.

"God Hates a Lying Tongue" sermon by Pastor Steven Anderson

An open plea to all alienators, even if you think you are not one, you need to read this.

Alienation can come in many forms, it can be in your jokes, or it can be blatant. You may not even think you are alienating, but are you? When our children are small the pediatrician talks to us about proper nutrition, we are all very well aware that a child must have a balanced diet in order to grow up healthy, but children also need both parents to grow up healthy.

Children only know love from the time they are born, have you ever said something about someone, perhaps the other parent, in front of or to your child? Children do not know how to react as adults do, but they still have feelings. When you make a comment or a joke about the other parent in a child hearing space, they do hear. If you say things like that all the time, they learn to think like you, because they look up to you and look to you for their learning and their care. What happens over time with your comments and jokes is you are brainwashing your child.

To move a step forward, if you were the parent without custody, and you wanted your time with your child and were denied, how would you feel? How would you, when you had the chance explain to your child why you had not spent time with them? Now honestly, you must love and want your children if you are the custodial parent, but do you not think their other parent feels the same way?

Even if you are not fond of your x-partner you should think about if the shoe were on the other foot. Because someday, that shoe may be on the other foot. If not from you loosing custody for any amount of reasons, but because in the process of alienating your children from their other parent, you actually end up alienating your children from yourself. You could very well find yourself later in life not knowing what your grown children are doing, and even worse, you may never get to know grandchildren that you may have.

Instead of thinking in the “NOW” perhaps if you are an alienator, or potential alienator, you should think into the future. You can not predict what the future will bring, but maybe you should play around with a few scenarios, the ones you really do not want to think about but should.

Even after reading this blog post, if you do not take the time to think about your words and your actions, I hope that you file this away in your mind, and later in the years, after the kids are grown and gone from the next think about how your life is then, and think about this post. Will you be the lonely parent who has nothing more than a memory of the children they once wanted all for themselves? Or will you be the parent who worked beyond your own needs, wants and selfishness to make your kids more healthy and happy?